The Unsecret Diaries of Emma Bishop

This is me yesterday (Saturday), a spur of the moment picture taken by my Uncle Jim just before I left to come down to London for the weekend. I am surprised that I look fresher than I feel because the past week or so has been hectic as fxxx. On the subject of music I am still loving Paramore (particularly “That’s what you get”) and Avril Lavigne right now and love singing along on my walk through town in the mornings. I’m thrilled that I have signed up for an 11 week acting course in town and have started speech lessons to improve my enunciation and breathing. Using my diaphragm more is great fun, but don’t ever ask me to sample ‘breath play’ or you’ll get my rant on my level of ‘BDSM’ lol!!! I do need to slow down and decide what my priorities are because trying to balance my social life with my working life and the various facets of that isn’t easy. My personal and desired priorities right now are to become a ‘proper’ Actress and get some work, do more fashion and fetish modeling work if/when it comes up, and to get as fit as I was last year. But I find myself getting dragged back into 9-5 and it prevails so much that I forget that I need to drink, workout more, eat and have regular breaks and that my health should always come first. I have been a right sulky cow to people lately who I know are trying to help me and I apologise for that, but my personal credibility is more important to me and I care so much about doing things right. I hate feeling pressurised and under valued when I once felt regarded for being talented and creative and was given time to do things properly. I also want to stay in touch with family and friends I had neglected for too long and I am glad to be back in London again, and will be down for the next two weekends. I am torn between wanting to be here and loving my home near Birmingham, so maybe I can do both and mix and match for a while until I decide. My Mentor gave me a homework assignment to do called ‘Female characters in Shakespeare’s plays- Do they get a ‘fair deal’ which i really enjoyed writing so it took my mind off of being tired and restless. I will write more about this in my other site Spanked at Home. My mum even noticed I was over doing things and came down stairs after she had gone to bed to find me still on my laptop after midnight. She sent me to bed, and of course I listened this time because I know myself that I need to sleep more.

I went to the ‘BBB’ (Birmingham fetish fair event) with my friend ‘Fluter’ the other day and came back with some new straps, a wonderful smoked Kooboo dragon cane and a flat wooden paddle that he bought me, so my cupboard is armed and dangerous again! I also signed up for a month’s membership with Northern Spanking, not least to see Pandora Blake get more cane strokes, but mainly to help Lucy and Paul who run such a brilliant and popular site with the most fantastic girls in the scene appearing. L & P did so much last year for the Bums on The Run ‘Race for Life’ Cancer Research appeal they set up and deserve your support as they try and rebuild after becoming embroiled in a lot of fallout from a well publicised legal case. These are nice people, so next time you are thinking of signing up to watch a few naughty videos on a late night with your JD, wacky backy, or ream of Buds, please join Northern Spanking to get real value, knowing that you are also helping a couple who dedicate their time to producing quality scenarios and material.

Some answers to generic questions I continue to get (thanks) in emails:

Q: What is your favourite implement?

A: Aside from a hand spanking my bottom, slippers are always good. Anything wide and stingy from an erotic sensation point of view. From a punishment point of view, I prefer not to know my fate until the lecture beforehand and the choices to be made at the time depending on how it is going. The cane is essential, sometimes as an ultimate if it’s given ‘for real’ but it always has a profound effect and reminder stripes are a big ingredient of the whole control and ‘head’ thing and why I do any of this in the first place.

Q: What is your favourite outfit?

A: I managed to tidy my wardrobes of fetish wear and bought a purple school uniform jacket and matching local school tie in Manchester last week so have so much choice now. I always love my Irish Convent School navy gymslip though because it’s very 1950’s and I feel like its ‘deja vu’ when I wear it in retro scenes I have done.

It’s been a busy time lately. I had a brilliant trip to London meeting some friends and trying to set up some more scene work and possibly a London venue. I was asked when I am going to be moving back but I have established some good roots here in Birmingham and really love where I live so I need to make the right decisions from now on and in time we will see. I always find it a few degrees warmer back home in London and I hate the cold, so that’s one reason why I felt so relaxed and happy back at my Mum’s. I will be back next weekend, and, the one afterwards for a party so please email me if anyone wants to meet up (existing acquaintances ideally). I actually love the underground too and grew up in very cosmopolitan surroundings so always feel safe and am very ’streetwise’ as most people have to be in the big smoke. Up and down escalators, rushing around, texting, taking calls, drinking in Soho, meeting someone nice in the Janus bookshop, going to a jazz gig in a crowded North London pub and dancing and being a ‘groupie’ for the day … my weekend was fab and I was miserable having to come back. Birmingham is fantastic too though and as I work in town it is the difference. I never settled in out of city areas too well and only enjoyed staying in the country with my last boyfriend but that was more to do with him and the contentment and sense of belonging I felt. Without that, as a single girl, it’s town life for me … places to eat, music, theatre, galleries etc. As I always say, “You can take the girl out of London, but you can’t take London out of the girl“!

I recently mentioned my new Mentor and we met just over a week ago for my induction with him. I am pleased to say that it went really well and subsequently I have also set up a blog that we will both contribute to. The website address is: http://www.spankedathome.co.uk so please bookmark this, and site owners please feel free to add a link to this site if you wish. My induction day was filmed, but not staged, with the camera being set in one position throughout. We felt it would help build a record and on this occasion are happy to share the preview clip and I have uploaded the fuller movie in my movies page. In future, if we do use the camera again it will likely just be for ourselves as a private and more personal record of our time together. A Domestic Discipline relationship and in this case a part-time mentoring one, should be a personal and private affair so there will be things that will always remain that way. Writing about it in the blog is good therapy though, ‘journaling’ is actually a part of DD anyway, and Sir is happy that we share it with you. It suits me right now to try this and I’m sure it will help me one day when I am no longer a spanking model and similar discipline is a part of my life with someone. Having watched “The Secretary”, albeit it had a different ‘BDSM’ dynamic was like watching myself because I understood and felt her emotions, from elation to withdrawl and denial so I know for sure this is something I need, and my new mentor can at least help. I have had similar and very successful relationships before but felt like a change and to give myself a chance to learn from someone else. Must dash, lots of housework to do and going out later, so have a great weekend everyone xx

PS: I am planning some more movies with my co-star in “The Writing’s on the Wall” movie so I hope to add some soon. I may be playing a Nurse in the next one so I’d better scrub up I think!

I have been locked in talks with some prospective new entrants to the ‘make a bad girl good’ campaign I have been running over the past few weeks. Alongside this I have had some wonderful offers of assistance from online friends and a particularly flattering offer of a fresh start, which could involve me living a life of leisure and debauchery in whatever proportions I choose lol! What girl could refuse the chance to give up a life of safe and mildly secure for one of speculation and uncertainty? Seriously though, I am still checking the small print and processing the feasibility of such a scheme in my mind and once I have consulted Gambler’s anonymous I will let you know my decision..sorry folks for the cryptic start to my blog but I have had so much going on lately and my behaviour and health have suffered too big time. This may be remedied very soon and another blog may be borne out of the remix so please watch this space.

So what have I been up to? Apart from not eating properly, not sleeping enough, rudeness to people and neglecting essential things at home..oh, and nearly getting run over by a bus and having a public row with someone, and leaving my handbag in the office tonight, not charging my phone when I knew I needed it, disagreeing with a prospective disciplinarian type over what “petulant” means and what a white lie is, and getting into such a state that I phoned my Mum up today to ask if I can come home to London this weekend cos I can’t cope with my raging teen like moods and growing pains and it just gets too much some days. The only good thing is that I have kept away from drinking myself scatty, but only because I care more about my skin and weight and don’t want to end up with off the bone ageing rocker girl skin!

Short post for a change, I will write more when I’m back home in London and calmer over the weekend.

Layta x

PS: got spanked tonight too, here’s a picture, sorry its a bit grainy but at least its real and as live as it gets in my usual style.

On a rare night in this week (sorry to those who feel worthy of an apology lol!), its nice to write about something good for a change, things that make me smile. Following the media knee jerking over the past few weeks, and a lot of the fan spraying of sticky and smelly brown stuff across everyone who is involved with the ‘industry’, I’d like to thank some lovely people who have sent me emails lately. I won’t mention their names, out of respect for their privacy and although I am a supposed ‘prostitute’ after all but that doesn’t mean I have to sell my soul under the tacky guise of making headlines. It once again brought home to me how nice people in our little corner of the world are though and I thank you all for taking the time to say what you have. If you wish to claim responsibility in the comments by all means please do so, I was touched by your posts anyway. For every 100 posting comments or emails I receive over a period I get one totally rancid, insulting and vicious one from someone who I imagine has nothing better to do than hide behind a keyboard and write anonymously. I imagine I either must have done something terrible to them personally, or they see me as a successful, beautiful, intelligent and modest threat to whatever it is they never got to do. If it’s about some hang up or misguided belief or judgement then thank God I know the reality and you bathe in ignorance, thats all I can say. Who knows, who cares, I don’t entertain those types these days, rant over.

Back to the huge majority of nice people out there …here are some of your very recent comments:

“Congrats on the site and the shots. Bum to die for” - These are always charming to get lol but I hope my mind is to live for too (giggles)!!

“Hi Emma: I hope it’s okay to contact you with this e-mail addy.I just wanted to let you know some good news:
I have a publisher for my poetry, and will be having a book out by the end of this year.(You’ll notice that I’ve deleted a lot of my poems from the blog…Creative property protected!). Also, I’d like to thank you,for encouraging me to publish…
..It was people like you, who set me in mind of giving it a try. When I received the acceptance letter yesterday,
I could not have been more pleased. Take care, hun…follow your dreams, always”

“I would just like to say how much I enjoyed our session today especially the really good caning Damon gave you at the end (did you really expect to get a way with that “panties under pyjamas” trick?) - your reactions are so amazingly real even to the need for a comforting cuddle afterwards!”

“I want to emphasise again that the right amount of sleep at the right time is vital not only to your welfare but ultimately to your health as well. Next time I come to see you, I will see whether you need punishing or praising (or, most likely, some of each) and act accordingly. I love you as my ‘niece’, and do this because I am genuinely concerned for you”

“Friends support one another and listen to one another. If this is something you can do, it is good for me we don’t to get so personal. I do think you are a good person, and have a lovely heart Emma and I do not judge you for where you are in life or what you do. Friends? I can keep you in my prayers…………….”

“I think I first looked at your web site two or three years ago; but this is the first time I have contacted you. So can you see I am not a man of impetuous action. However, then as now I was impressed with what you had written”

“I visited your website and found you to be so attractive. Too bad I am in the US or I would be courting you to no end”

Thank you so much for your kind words that lift me when I am down and it keeps me going to know that you care xx

Oops, best get to bed now grrrrr. The picture of my bottom in this post was taken today, just to show I’m still a bit of a spanking model …with attitude!!

I had a nice drive out to the countryside today (about a mile a way) with a friend. I was a picture of demureness, well behaved, polite and happy to relax amongst the reeds and rushes like any other water babe. Families passed by, we waved at people in their colourful barges and I was hot, thirsty, becoming a bit restless and bored …and so it goes ….

We came to a canal and I saw an opportunity to stretch my legs a bit. “Oh its good to be in England now that summer’s here”, I thought and for the first time this year I was not wishing I was back on holiday in Thailand for the weather. “Mmm, interesting view” I thought and I purred and panted with delight at the sounds of nature at work, and play.

I sort of forgot where I was for a moment and as the vanilla camera snapped I went from good girl to bad and decided to become a spanking model again for the day. To my horror a couple (male and female) appeared from under the bridge paddling a canoe and I suspect they may have caught a glimpse of my knickers so I quickly turned the other cheek. Too late though, the damage was done and my friend was furious so I walked on ahead until he calmed down.

As we were approaching the pub there was a cricket match on the other side of the river. I saw these interesting rails which to a naive non gymnast like me looked like baby isometric bars just waiting for a guinea pig to fly them . Having gone without my workout this morning I decided to swing into action with an ever angrier cameraman in hot pursuit of my trail. He caught up with me just as we reached the pub and to take his mind off of giving me a stupid lecture in front of people, I offered to buy the drinks! Phew, I was in need of some liquid refreshment after my antics and although I usually get razzed on white wine I decided to go for volume so it was a rare large lager shandy to oil my passion for mischief. So rare in fact ( I never drink it) that it went to my head a bit and I was overly brave, rude and cheeky to my friend in the car on the journey home.

Eventually, I was back in familiar territory again, my punishment implements cupboard was opened and a paddle with my name on swung into action following a spanking and some face to face dialogue with the carpet. The end of a perfect day, well almost. My behaviour over the past couple of months has not been good I admit that, and I may need to check into ’spank rehab’ again soon as I am not able to keep it under control. But today was a tale of two cities .. my bottom and the wooden swats of Troy!

I am soooo sorry I haven’t blogged ya for a while. Every time I thought about writing, something came along, like an excuse for a good night out, and I just had to choose booze over news lol! Speaking of news (and i said I wasn’t going to mention this in my blog, but hey, I lied), I am so pleased that Max Mosley and his so very brave friends stood up for freedom and justice, and won. Any less a verdict would have made me ashamed to belong, to start to believe that the liberty that so many courageous people once died for was in vain, ashamed to trust those who traded uniforms for sheep’s clothing, and ashamed to think that big brother and his big money making greedy gravy train has torn down the walls of a safe house with the most honest and caring people I have ever known. This is not a victory for ‘the spanking community’ because that makes out it is a sensational group of extremists on some sort of crusade, but a victory for public privacy wherever it falls over needless interrogation.

In the paper I read today (but not that rag) , the use of the word ‘Prostitutes’ to describe the participants was also once again adopted to degrade a group of consenting adults enjoying a private scene in the comfort of a private venue. I once again went to my trusted dictionary to try and find out if technically the writers may have been correct with the terminology. Without knowing the facts, but understanding the usual role of a spanking model, like any other person with an artistic skill, this was the nearest I could come to an argument for its vague use:

pros·ti·tute - a person who willingly uses his or her talent or ability in a base and unworthy way, usually for money.

The key words here for me are ‘willingly’ , ability’ and ‘talent’. It is my understanding that ‘money’ is paid for most services that involve ‘ability’ or ‘talent’, unless it is for charity, is this not true? However, the word ‘unworthy’ is too subjective to call. Unworthy for whom? People having a private agreement between themselves where all parties are happy with the terms of contract and nobody comes away hurt or damaged, but most usually as better friends or acquaintances than they started out as? Is that a good thing or against the public interest? If it means the ability or talent is morally ‘unworthy’ (and I accept as a society there has to be boundaries of decency to protect the most vulnerable), then imagine the cases of;

a) A famous (but talented) Rap artist who’s latest worldwide selling CD contains a string of obscenities and speaks of guns and “smacking your bitch up” - The kids love it, so he/she is NOT a prostitute.

b) A ‘talented’ artist who’s latest collection depicts graphical sexual images or scenes of a violent nature, but it is seen as ‘breakthrough’ for the time, finds its way into the world’s top galleries and brings in buyers from all of the world - The elite amongst society tell their friends they love it so He/she is NOT a prostitute.

c) A ‘talented’ and acclaimed Actor or Actress who appears in a film depicting horrific abuse, killing or sexual violence - Box Office success, lots of Under 18’s will get to watch this too one way or another so He/She is not a Prostitute

… and they are all ….. ‘Stars’

I am an actress, role play is my forte, and many times I do it for charity (lol!), but serious drama is what I would like to get into now. If I get anywhere with this and anyone was to write about my life, would I be seen as a ‘Star’ or as a ‘Prostitute’? To me the real Stars have won the day and sensibility prevailed, double-standards lost, thank God.

I rest my case M’lud (hee, hee!!) . Carry on regardless now I hope, and I will be back to my own freedom of expression again soon!

I haven’t been too well lately and am in bed recovering from a back strain (no idea how i did it) , so what better time to mention some sites that I have been dipping into to catch up on all things ’spank’?

First of, a big thank you to my friends at Spanking News for mentioning yours truly in their busy journal recently. I’m so flattered as I know their roving reporters have their hands full scouring the scene for news and activity involving spanking models. I think I’ve riled the Proprietor though as I was rather cheeky to him and in my usual ‘bishybosh/See if I care’ style, giggled at the idea of one of his contacts spanking me for my behaviour. There may be a contract out on my bottom now though, but in the meantime I am happily watching hell freezing over from Row Z.

Nevertheless, Spanking News is a fantastic site, packed with some of the loveliest girls in the scene, bottoms, storylines and competitions, so please drop them a line and big them (and me) up and I may be let me off with just a telling off instead - that’s assuming you don’t want to see me getting spanked of course!

A mention to my friend Mr Richard Windsor who seems to be really suffering for his art as a Brit living Stateside. I can’t imagine how hard it is having to spank all of those American girls and have so much fun at parties and in videos? I guess it’s a thankless task, but with no hope of parole I think he will just have to stay out there and keep paddling!

Pixie, yay!! Spanking Pixie is the site of my gorgeous US friend Amber Pixie Wells. and her most recent post talks about her addiction to Plaid and an insight into her wardrobe. I love reading her blog cos’ she gets ‘real’ and I have a thing about that and she is never afraid to tell it like it is and share in her ‘day to days’ and thoughts. It’s easy as a model to write for attention or to just focus on our products (bums and sums) and not us as people, good or bad times. Pixie has got it right though and is divinely entertaining just by being naturally herself, and it’s soooo un-Hollywood (my Brit’s eye view generalisation lol!).

and finally,

I enjoy reading Leia Ann Woods’ blog, just because, she’s Leia and has a uniqueness and honesty in her writing as well as being a fab spanking model and person.

Still on Plaid - My fabulous friend Will is such a brilliant writer and his Red Bottoms post has gotten me rummaging through my drawers and wardrobes for a dose of …. Plaid!

Oh and Tom …once again…Girls Boarding School …..need I say any more…(off to get my Red Plaid skirt out haha!)

Yay!! Today I am well over going deep and it’s back to raw, unadulterated spanking and I am soooo happy to announce my first ‘Trouble with Emma’ video for 18 months. “The Writing’s on the Wall” is a feature length 20 minute film and that I actually only scripted and storyboarded 30 minutes before my leading man (playing the Headmaster) arrived! Just one minor technical problem this time with one of my suspender clips coming unsnapped from my black stocking tops, so that will teach me to rush next time. I know I deserve a sound spanking for that lack of attention to my dress code.

You can see a FREE PREVIEW in my Movies page where the full length video is also available online. It may also be available on DVD soon.

As the film’s synopsis says “Emma is back in Uniform, back in Boarding school and back in Trouble!” The year off I had since making “Pyjamarama” gave me a lot of time to slow down and enjoy my personal life more privately away from the scene. The time since then has been a mixture of lows, some adventurous highs, spells of rehab and working harder towards my ambitions. I think I have grown up a bit more and I hope this will show in the video, because I think it is my best performance ever in a spanking movie. Hopefully this will help now that I am training to be a mainstream actress. My co-star in the movie was making his debut, and I have to say he was excellent by any standards and brought out the best in me, so a big thank you and I hope we can work together again. The spanking itself was appropriate for a first movie together, and it is always easier next time with a co-star to be more adventurous, so there could be many more soundly spanked bottoms for me in future at his very capable hands, who knows?!

My preference for my own produced movies is to capture the feelings, emotions and ambiance setting of punishment as I imagined it may have happened in ‘real life’ in those settings. As I have had domestic punishment of this type in real life I know what it feels like so it is easier to headspace into my roles now. I like to spend as much time thinking about and creating the whole movie and making it watchable as a film, not just for the spanking action, because anyone can do that with clips without even bothering about the atmosphere and detail. I think “The Trouble with Emma” series has achieved that so far from the brilliant feedback I have had. There is a line between depicting reality and real punishment (as I have droned on about many times in this blog lol!) and I am pretty selective about who I cast to work with me. I have control over the production and editing and know exactly what my product is as an actress. When I appear in other spanking movies elsewhere, as I did with Sam Johnson recently I am in the hands of their production team so it is easier just to provide myself as a model and walk away with the sore bottom, as I had that day.

I am discussing my next spanking shoot which is likely to be in London at the end of this month. It is a ‘return to the School Governors’ with a difference, and totally as real as the first one. I don’t know the detail of what to expect, other than I have to face them for absconding from College over a year ago. It will be ‘fly on the wall’ filming again with video diaries too. The Arnica gel is on standby and I have been warned that my school uniform is to be in pristine condition. This is sombre, I have fears and nerves about throwing myself into the lion’s den again but I hope that will add to the realism when we shoot the drama. I am planning three or four more new ‘Trouble with Emma’ movies over the next few months too and am busy working on script ideas. I will be adding new parts for me, not as a schoolgirl all the time of course because I am ready now to expand my horizons. I also hope to have some other spanking models appearing with me in my videos sometime, time, cost and availability permitting of course. Please contact me girls if you wish to join my parteeee! It’s fantastic to be back to “The Trouble with Emma’ video series” and I remain a ‘girl on a mission’

Please let me know what you think about the new video and my new-look blogsite!

WARNING - I get deep here, not dirty though, but (i hope) real in this post. I believe in being true to myself even if you disagree or think I’m a stupid Stepford Wife-style ninny!. No pics of my bottom this time, but I will make it up to you soon, I promise!

I had a lovely chat yesterday in the car with a scene friend on the way back from a day out at a music festival. Once again we got into the “BDSM”/DD debate with us both ending up how we justify our opinions on what we like in our respective camps. It’s good when I am challenged on stuff like this because it helps compartmentalise my work as a spanking model with my personal needs more. I can say now for sure that one is a want and the other is more of a need. I want (and enjoy) the role play because it stretches my mind as a submissive. I admit that all I do as a model, and specifically as a spanking model is aimed at improving myself as an actress, which is really my true ambition and always has been. I just needed to be a model first to get the confidence to feel ready to step up to this which I am pursuing now as I said. That does not mean I try and act in my spanking roles though. Moreso, I live out the character but once I inherit her, everything else is me and I am as real as I can be. I feel like a Medium at a seance, which my friend describes as ‘method acting’ . I am happy to subscribe to if I ever get that good at it. I see this side of me as broad BDSM “play”.

Domestic Discipline in the home on the other hand is a need . That’s my real life outside of role playing and acting and something that has always been there and I cannot change. I can be private and less public, and the mentoring and training I have had are the things that develop me most as a person. It is a never ending journey though, I always fail on something and need to be reminded of my position in a relationship, which I accept. My friend could not understand why I accept the level of punishment I do in this setting. He still sees it as acting because it is consensual, otherwise it borders on abuse. I begged to differ on the “acting” because once I give myself totally to reality of the situation, there is no role play within it and I am in the hands of my disciplinarian. I am cared for, I am given things to improve me, my successes are recognised, and I am painfully reminded of how well I can do when I fail him and myself. My ideal I seek is to one day have this within a full time relationship, where this is just a part of a normal vanilla life too with love and care on both sides. In the absence of this I see the mentoring and training I receive as preparation for a total traditional role lifestyle. It’s rather like having a personal trainer to get you fit for life, and then he walks away when you are match fit :). I don’t have a boyfriend right now and this situation suits me until I find the right one.

My friend yesterday also could not understand why I needed someone to run my life because he felt I was quite capable of running my own. I have written about this loads before so won’t again here. Suffice to say that I feel better about myself, am better behaved, am more healthy, motivated and grow more with the threat of real punishment and with my behaviour being monitored. That is a fact, it has been proven in my past ‘On/Off’ mentoring situations and I know that now.

Before you refer back to my last post on Feminism, I believe in traditional roles and discipline in the home and always have. Sites like “Taken In Hand” and “Loving Domestic Discipline” best describe my acceptance of this, and my needs and beliefs. Despite LDD (the site’s writer) being a bit too repetitive and over indulgent, he characterises situations, respective roles (i.e having a Head of Household) and boundaries as I see them too. There is a much clearer distinction between DD and BDSM and much as I love the erotic side of DD in a relationship, and the warm but painful aftermath of punishment, I believe it should have a separate time and place for fun/sexual/erotic spanking to punishment discipline. My bottom is always sore and stinging from punishment discipline and in these situations I am always brought to tears, very distressed and sent to my room or the corner. I am not thinking about having raving sex straight afterwards, it is not how I see things and would cloud my view of a partner if he could not carry out punishment in the traditional sense. Wheras sexual activity, is more likely to occur in a BDSM play setting either at the same time or as a “pleasuring” activity afterwards. I know I may be shot down by some for my views but it is clear to me now, although my friend who I was with yesterday still thinks it is all “BDSM” regardless of how you dress it up! The “DD” types I have met (and only seek to date now, I’ve given up on pure vanilla dating for now) are far more private about discipline and I respect that, its really nice. If I could still write a blog like this (journaling is an aspect of DD that some include) or him to write it that would be good. Many HoH types would not accept other men spanking me (eg: my being a spanking model forever) and that’s fine too, it would be my call and I would be very happy to give it up for love with the right person. Again, many BDSM types think its OK to have a harem of subs or playmates, who can only have one Master (them) and this to me is another reason why I will never be anyone’s “sub” (or slut…yuk!!). I would be far happier walking away from all of this into a normal loving DD relationship one day, if I knew that my partner loved me so much that he wanted me to himself. I believe in total monogamy too. If he would let someone else share me, or wanted to share others, then I would think he didn’t really love me enough. Is that too unusual? Or is it just that I don’t fit “the scene” or some of the rules adopted in it - not by most I’m sure, maybe I have just been approached by the wrong types from some sites ?
Oh, and again, please don’t misread me here, I do like to ‘play’ and love being spanked in role play, its is an altogether different feeling and gives me a glow

This is just MY view, another extract from my “Unsecret Diary” and you can take me, or take your leave, but I REALLY hope you stay because there’s more to come …..

Every now and again I come across a spanking blog and start reading it, thinking “mmm, this is so true”. As there is so much choice out there I usually scan read to save time. Sometimes I get hooked in and find myself reading every well written word, only to find that I am in such total agreement that it could have been written by me . One such site is “The Disciplined Feminist”. I never really saw myself as a feminist before, but I suspect this was due to my confusion with the voluntary (consentual) giving of my submissiveness to a man. How can I hand myself over to a man to be controlled, managed and spanked and then say I am a strong, determined and single minded “feminist” in the traditional descriptive sense?

So, I looked it up in the dictionary:

Well, still with my submissive female hat on the adjective left me confused, so I drilled down into the noun “a supporter of feminism” to ask myself “what is feminism?”

2.	(sometimes initial capital letter) an organized movement for the attainment of such rights for women.

Hurrah!!
Now it makes sense (she says feeling less naive now). Yes, I have always believed in equal political and other rights, and although I am not a supporter of organised movements or belonging to any society labelled club (of any type) having a feminine character is a qualifier and not a contradiction. So I can now understand that all of these things can be maintained and it is my choice to give some or all of them up from a position of strength rather than weakness. Oh, and before any of you ever think I may one day don Domme thigh highs this sudden realisation does not mean I will ever bat for the other side! I am still as soft, immature, naughty and in need of big burly policeman ‘loco parentis’ spankings at the back of the Victorian cells (…. time machine please standby!)

Back to the site I am applauding today, one thing it does do is confirm that I am totally on the side of traditional domestic discipline rather than BDSM, as I have said before. The more time I have spent dabbling across the border has only confirmed this. I am having fun delving into new areas of my craft as a model, but for my own personal life needs I still see ‘BDSM’ play as a fun activity that I can take or leave as it has heavier sexual overtones, and traditional discipline (DD) as a required ongoing need.

PS: I haven’t really got a Michael Douglas dimple on my bottom as this picture suggests, it’s just the way I’m standing…on the side of feminism of course!!

I’ve finally sorted out my holiday snaps (all vanilla of course) and thought it about time to get back into blogsville again. This picture was taken on an organised trip to Nong Nooch Tropical Botanical Garden, which is very beautiful. Naturally yours truly just had to strike the pose! I ate so well on my holiday, put on a few pounds but hey, I feel so good now again. All of this following on from the good hiding I got from my Headmaster before I went, partially to remind me to eat better when I was beginning to be heading for model semi-anorexic territory. I was starting to become more concerned with the numbers on the scales rather than the correct weight for my height and I am glad to say my skin is better and my bottom looks better than ever now after a lot of rest and the right food and gallons of fresh water

One day, I slept from 5pm until 12 lunchtime the next day, I was that tired and drained after months of neglecting my health. Going away to my favourite recuperation spot was just what the Doctor ordered and I made some lovely new friends along the way. I managed to try some Red Snapper (Fish) which was gorgeous and Thai tea (made by Nestle lol!) is fantastic and tastes more like ice cream than any kind of herbal or speciality tea I have ever had before. I forgot to get some to bring back but I’m sure e-bay sells it or something!

Pattaya is good, although I was saddened by the sight of young girls being paraded on the arms of tourists or on the back of motor bikes like purchased goods, but depending on which viewpoint one adopts on this (economics or morality) this practice is unlikely to change so I’m not going to sound out on this, it is not my place to judge anyone. Everyone seems to be having a good time on both sides in Pattaya and that’s fair enough. We also had a guided tour of the World Thai Gems Gallery and I fell in love with a 14ct gold Emerald ring (my birthstone), but no way could I afford it so I left it. If I get to go back ever again with some money I would love to be able to buy it.

I saw some great movies on the flights in and out (appx 12 hours from London Heathrow) ; “The Other Boleyn Girl” (Natalie Portman and Scarlett Johansson are brilliant in this and probably the two best looking actresses around I would guess, plus Eric Bana as the king is soooo hott too, I wanted to be in his court!), “Charlie Bartlett”, “Definitely Maybe”, “Closing the Ring” and “Semi Pro”. I never used to go a bundle on period drama’s but since getting myself into Willy Shakes and loving “Twelfth Night” and “A Midsummer’s Night’s Dream”, I was captured by the sad tale of the Boleyn girls. The costumes and ambience were superb and I cried unashamedly at the end despite being in the company of strangers on a plane but that’s just me, I can’t hide my feelings that easily.

As for my spanking thoughts and the like, Tom was never that far away in my private hotel room moments I am giving myself an extended spank detox period right now but am already discussing some photo shoots again so hopefully I will be back in action soon. I have so much I want to do with my life, have so little time, and just need to sort out the priorities. This is the story of my life really and the reason why I get into so much trouble, I can’t seem to put the practical and probable before the improbable. Until somebody tells me I can’t reach for the stars anymore then I’m just going to have to keep pushing those boundaries…it’s good to be back tho x

Just back from my wonderful break in Thailand and will write more and reply to some thread posts as soon as I can. For now please see my recent video appearance at the hands of Sir Angus in Sam’s Diaries website.

Heya y’all, just a note from my holiday home in Thailand to say that I haven’t forgotten you. Amongst other things out here I am taking much time out to watch some Shakespeare movies and saw ‘Hamlet’ last night, the one with Mel Gibson in it. I loved ‘Twelfth Night’ best though (the one with Imogen Stubbs) and I have ordered the complete works book collection to study when I get home. I have so much to learn and feel like a child with a new toy but I am going to spend every spare minute I have pursuing my acting ambition now. I have arranged a course of speech and voice coaching lessons that will start soon and it won’t be easy for me and I know I will have to work and try harder than most just to get a chance, but I will get there.

Weather overcast here but hot, food and drink in abundance, had Red Snapper (fish) last night and cakes to die for! I like to come here to rest, a bit like a convalescence home retreat really. The sea view helps me chill out and recharge myself and put my world back into perspective. My best Thai friend ‘A’ asked me for some of my fashion shoot photos for a website she is doing for her tailoring business and OMG, it was embarrassing as she saw my spanking pictures on my laptop too! All she could say was “Emma you are a such a bad girl for showing me your bottom”. I don’t know why I should feel awkward but my decent Thai girl friends are sort of like sisters to me, and I felt a bit cheap and tacky even though she laughed about it and really didn’t mind I actually blushed a deep shade!. I know lots of westerners flock here for the sex industry and I was actually looking at the groups of young lads and seedier looking older men in the departure lounge at Heathrow before I left and I wondered how many of them are coming over here just for the sex aspect? Oh, don’t get me wrong I am not judging anyone who wants to just come over here to get their rocks off lol, but how many are actually as interested in Thailand’s culture, beauty, history and tradition? It made me sad to think of some of the girls who have no other choice than to sell their bodies just to survive. One friend I once knew had to leave her son with her mother miles away just so that she could work in the bigger city and send money home for him. She worked as a housekeeper, not a sex worker at all, just wasn’t the type, was a bit older, overweight and not that attractive. Much as I helped her with meals and some clothes when we went out shopping a lot on my first visit here I was upset when she asked me outright for money the following year and then didn’t keep in touch when I said I couldn’t help her. I really thought she was my friend and we became close like sisters, but I felt used at that point. I spoke to ‘A’ about this yesterday and she said that she and my real friends were worried about how much money I was spending on this girl and they saw through her and didn’t think she was a genuine friend to me, but I just felt sorry for her and wanted her to have what I had while I was there. If I bought a top or skirt, I would buy her one too. My real friends work here and have respectable jobs so are self sufficient. There is so much unfairness in the world but I realised that my futile attempt to make someone’s life a little happier for a while was just a means to an end for her, so I am more careful now but lost someone I cared about as a friend. My friend ‘A’ has a Thai boyfriend who has worked in the UK for over two years now but she hasn’t been able to get a visa to come over to live with him. It would be brilliant if she was in the UK but I will just have to keep coming over to Thailand instead so we can stay in touch, and I know I will be in tears again when I have to leave here, it feels as much like my home, as anywhere. I wish I could take all the goodness that is here bottle it and bring it back to the UK with me but life’s not like that, we have to make choices and my life is in England. I still haven’t seen my other friend ‘J’s baby boy yet who must be two now so hoping I will before I get back. Anyway, back to my big slice of blueberry cheesecake..if i must and just a bit of partying before I go home…but no spanking! Sorry about the poor quality pic, jeez just can’t get the staff out here but friends can be forgiven its professionals who don’t get hired again lol, but will get some more taken before i get home!

PS: Oh and my spies in the UK tell me that my recent video/photo shoot appearance with the lovely Sam Johnson is now in the members area of her website (”Malicious Gossip 3″)? Please see www.samsdiaries.com . You will need to sign up to the site to view the material but it’s well worth it, some fantastic videos of Sam and friends I’m told by watchdogs. I haven’t seen any of it yet so would love to know what you think

I have to admit I was told last night I wouldn’t be sitting down today and it is a fact. The pictures in this blog post were taken today. I made the stupid mistake of saying I was fine the next day the last time my Headmaster punished me, and it only served to make him feel he had not punished me hard enough. When he said last night “You won’t be sitting down Young Lady” I know he meant it, but this time he has said it will be for at least a couple of days.

Last night was my college induction meeting. My Headmaster had sent me a list of the college rules in advance and we met to discuss this. In addition to my sticking to these rules he is also responsible for my domestic discipline and to act in ‘loco parentis’ to ensure my lifestyle behaviour meets his approval too. Our meeting began with my Headmaster confirming that I had been accepted back as a student. He informed me that all meetings would start with a domestic maintenance spanking as a warning of future good behaviour and I was soon across his knee, my knickers were taken down and i was spanked until I was crying. I was told to stop crying and being so vocal or I would get extra and he counted to ten to give me a chance to compose myself. I found it hard because it really hurt but was told that this was just the very beginning and that I need to take my spankings better in future. I managed to sob more quietly and go into my shell as he spanked me longer and harder, changing pace so that I never knew when it would end. He ended spanking me very hard and fast until I was totally distressed and tearful to reinforce the fact that his ‘loco parentis’ role would be as serious as my discipline under the college regime.

I was sent to the corner for five minutes and then told to touch my toes. I was to receive six strokes on the slipper on my bare bottom for boasting that I could still sit down immediately after our last meeting. I had only just stopped crying and my bottom was a bright red and stinging but I got into position because I knew it would be worse for me if I did not. The slipper came down hard on each cheek at full force and it was noisy. It made me cry out again and the tears started running down my cheeks once again. Back in the corner with my skirt up and hands on my head again for a further ten minutes, but the box of tissues went with me this time. I am glad that I will have a serious and structured learning course and strict regime, it is what I need and want, but when I am actually being punished it is a different world and I don’t enjoy it but in the past it has helped me grow.

We then sat down, well, I sat down and immediately sprung up with the shock that my bottom was already very sore and felt twice its size already. We went through all of the points in the contract which we were to sign. I was told to read it aloud and stop after each one and explain what it meant to me, which I did. We then moved on to discussing my personal development plan and as I am going on holiday we would need to work on it afterwards. However, one of the things was my diet and I went through what I eat now and had it explained that it was inadequate and explains why I am always tired, drawn and not looking as bright these days. I saw my GP last week too and as soon as I walked in he said I had lost weight and was equally worried that I didn’t look as healthy. My Headmaster has said that I need to eat fresh fish, green vegetables ( I have none in my diet at all!!) and brown rice and bread. We got to one of the last points and my Headmaster added a valid point in some depth, but then I opened my big mouth and interrupted him when he was speaking. I was told off and up again on my feet and touching my toes for a further four severe spanks with the slipper, and more crying. I sat down again and stopped my tears eventually and we completed the contract reading and both signed a copy.

We them moved on to something I had put to the back of my mind, but my Headmaster needed to address it so that we could move on. When he was previously acting as my Mentor I cancelled our final meeting and made an excuse just to get out of being punished. I imagined he would have believed me and let me off. The trouble is that he knows me too well and knew it was silly of me to lie about it. For this I had to grip the table, stick my bottom out whilst arching my back, for the wooden paddle. Like everything else it is given with some force, I received it across my tight skirt. This offered little protection as my bottom was soon on fire again from the ten strokes. My Headmaster kept raising my skirt to check my skin was OK and although I hate being beaten so severely it is good to know that he is careful that I am not damaged. Even more tears for this through having to ask for every stroke in advance and then thank him afterwards, which I could barely mutter by the last stroke. The flat paddle I had as a present recently broke with the force of the paddling so he had to change half way through to using a new drilled hole paddle which is much stronger and hurt even more.

After a final return to the corner I was sent to my room to change into my home/casual wear of my choice for a session of domestic discipline. I had been rude to a few people and my attitude had not been that good, too many late nights and not taking care of myself. As my Headmaster was acting in more of a Guardian role he told me off more personally, expressing that he cares about me and that I have let him and myself down. He began “And now young lady, I’m going to show you what domestic discipline is”. I was taken across his knee and spanked long, hard and severely. My attempts to wriggle away were met with him trapping my legs with his other one so that I couldn’t move and he spanked me harder and faster. I was in pieces and crying like a child now and OMG, I hate to admit that at times like this I am anything but a “spanking model”! After I got up and had time to dry my tears I was told to strip completely, which was humiliating but made it clear to me that a new serious household discipline regime was about to begin . Domestic discipline spankings are given in a more personal manner to formal ones and I was to learn to accept this without question. I have the option to stop all of this, it is totally consentual but it is my choice for my own good. I was back across his knee for another bare bottom spanking (they all are) and was then sent to the bathroom. He followed me in and asked me if I wanted my bottom cooling down. Naturally I said “yes” thinking it was a treat and he hosed me down with cold water, and not just my bottom. I was told to get out and dry myself so I thought that was the end but after barely drying my top half I was told to bend over the edge of the bath. My bottom was still damp and very sore but this time he gave me a good few strokes with his belt as I cried and cried for all I was worth. This was my own fault I thought, I had asked for this arrangement to improve myself. I had behaved badly for ages and was now suffering the harsh consequences.

Finally I wrapped a town around me, we came back into the front row and I had a final lecture and warning. It would not usually be as severe as this I was warned, but that I should remember it and can the last few months behind me now. It was not the end though, I was sent to me room and told to get into position on all fours on the bed with my knickers down. He came in with the flat plastic hairbrush I dreaded and I had twelve hard strokes which ended with me collapsing onto the bed once again in floods of tears.

A final chat, some consoling and a hug and my Headmaster sent me to bed for an early night (around 8.30). I slept on my tummy last night but woke up this morning feeling fantastic and alive. The best rest I had in ages but it took all that to get me to know and appreciate that when I really don’t look after myself, my Headmaster does. My bottom was a bright angry red last night and still is noticeably red all over. These pictures don’t show it as well as the reality, I really need better lighting I think!. I have learnt the differences between formal college type discipline, domestic discipline and that I am benefiting from a strict regime. Think of the spanking site “The Girls Boarding School”, but this is me having it exactly the same in real life with similar methods and results! I know it is given with care and that it is for my own good, even though I was too proud to admit this before. I feel better, will soon look better and be more healthy (I hope) and have things to aspire to again that are being measured. I am to write a short modern interpretation of ‘A Midsummer’s Nights Dream’ for my homework and i’m actually looking forward to this now.

My Uncle Jim came round today and I pestered him to fix the ventilator in my bathroom that my Headmaster spanked me for last week. My Uncle came armed with a set of tools and also with a belated birthday present ‘tool’ for me that he felt he had to test drive on my unfortunate bottom I guess there is always a price to pay and I did! The next thing I have to do is to re-paint said ventilator but this time try and get the paint on the target rather than the carpet. In true “pose for the press” fashion like a councillor laying the final slab in a new building in an attempt to take credit for a job well done, here I am showing just how much I love DIY after all!

A quick post showing a picture taken last night, two days after my punishment from my Headmaster. I must admit it didn’t hurt as much as it looks there, but it sure did at the time which is the main thing about real punishment. I am a pretty quick healer and was was actually sitting down OK the next day. I was quite thankful that he didn’t cane me too hard either as I had a dinner date he next day, although once I get my new college contract I won’t have the luxury of working it around my social life anymore. If I am naughty and end up with a sore bottom for a few days I will just have to suffer the consequences and learn from it, wherever I am or am going. No different to anything else in normal vanilla life really, there is always a penalty for bad behaviour

I met my Headmaster on Monday to discuss my new contract covering my lifestyle and college work. I refer to it as being “back at college”, because I will have a proper course of tuition to better educate me as well as having to follow rules for my well-being. My attempt to manage my own self-discipline is over. I pushed it too far, broke all of my all-too-easy rules, got too full of myself and lost respect for his authority, after he gave me the chance to try and go it alone in my decision making in what is best for me as a growing young lady. I will be signing up for a prolonged period under my Headmaster’s care now and in the future I can try again. He is taking over again and I am back to strict but fair rules that I know were always made in my best interests. For anyone who is not clear about it, this is fully consensual, it is my choice and with someone who I know, trust and respect. I have been told to write a detailed public account of my punishment for my homework this week. I hope it will also allay some doubts from any skeptics out there as to whether or not I can “take it” for “real”. It was questioned by someone in a forum group whether CP videos are real and if the girls in them can take real spankings. I have also had a few people saying I don’t post enough pictures of marks on my bottom, which tends to make me feel that my own ability to “take it” is also being questioned . I chose to keep a lot of my real life more severe discipline images private out of respect for my partners/lords and masters and their wishes. However, as part of my new contract I am able to post accounts and pictures and maybe some video clips in my Movies page sometimes. My Headmaster agrees that writing public accounts will help my development and give me something to look back on and remember as a record and future warning to me.

For now, back to my punishment. These are totally real images taken at the time of my punishment. There is no make up and I was a tearful wreck, these are not professional photos with lighting but I hope they will speak for themselves. My Headmaster was actually quiet lenient with me this time as it was my first day back after a long break from a college regime and I have had far more severe spankings, but I know i will need to stick to the rules now.

The Interview - First day of my new regime

Spanked

After a cup of tea, my Headmaster sat down at my PC to reads my blog entry about my ‘Return to College’ as he had been away and hadn’t read it yet. He was noting down all of the things I admitted to failing at and my recent behaviour. To start with he gave me a maintenance spanking over his knee just to remind me what life would be like from now on as a student back in his care. As always it was “Right young lady, over my knee” and I was taken firmly across his knee. My skirt was lifted and my knickers were taken down. He spanked me slowly and firmly to start with and then increased it a bit until I was soon crying. It’s my low hormonal week of the month and when I was told to stop crying I said “I can’t help it, it just hurts so much”. This was a big mistake because I am not to feel sorry for myself, pretend to cry or complain just to get out of discipline again, as I had done when he was acting as my Mentor. He had caught me out on this and I would get to realise how well he knows me and my tricks later on. For this he pulled my knickers down further and spanked me harder and faster all over my bottom and the tops of my thighs until he was satisfied I’d had enough and was genuinely more tearful. He reminded me it was a mild spanking compared with what I would usually get most times from now on. I was told to bend over the table as he took the first photos for my blog and college educational discipline records. I was sent to the corner in tears with my hands on my head and had to remain there for about ten minutes. I am not allowed to rub my bottom after punishment so just had to dab my tears with a tissue and feel sorry for myself without complaint this time.

Strapped

After my first corner time session I had to fetch the high stool from the corner of the room and place some cushions on it to support my stomach and to raise my bottom for punishment. I was to be given the heavy strap that I genuinely dreaded, although thankfully had not had it for some time. He was disappointed that I had lied to get out of my last meeting for punishment, was rude to people, and had not been looking after my health and well-being as I was told to. It was to be 12 strokes across my bare bottom. He walked around me and asked me “What happens to naughty girls that are rude to people?”. I replied “They get punished Sir” and he brought the strap down across my bottom, telling me to count and say “Thank you Sir for my punishment after each stroke”. He paused at intervals between strokes to ask “And what happens to silly little girls who lie to get out of punishment?”, which brought the same reply from me and the same thrashing with the strap across my right and left flanks as he changed sides. “What happens to girls who think they know better than their Headmaster?”, brought a succession of further hard strokes as I cried and cried uncontrollably by now. I protested again that “It really hurts” and as I stood up he put his hands around my waist and spanked me hard and fast as he told me off for this and told me to get back over the stool and stay there. Then it was corner time again with an increasingly sore bottom.

Slipper/Shoe implement

I was temporarily called out from my corner to time to bend and grip the edge of the table. I was reminded that I had sent a text to my Headmaster at 6.15am recently to inform him (and 70 or so others in my address book) that I have a new mobile number. This was very inconsiderate as he had only arrived back in the UK at 2 am that morning after a trip abroad. For this I got 6 hard strokes of my own flat ‘dolly’ shoe and fifteen (for the fifteen minutes) rapid spanks again. I was then sent back to the corner in even more tears to think about my behaviour and not to do this again. Apologies for blurred picture but I moved a lot!.

After this we sat down again and I had another long lecture. One of the things I was told and warned about was protesting how bad I am at things and how hard everything is sometimes, using every reason and excuse I could to take the easy way out. My Headmaster told me that the next time I do this I would be punished for it and it would not be tolerated under the new rules. If I need advice I can ask for help and it would be given or I would be told how to find it. If I moan and gripe and blame other people or circumstances all I would be given is a sore bottom. He then marched me into the bathroom to show me something he was not happy with me about. Last time we met I was told very clearly to clean the ventilator in my bathroom which was full of grime and looked awful. I tried to clean between the grooves with an old knife and left it at that and I gave up trying to remove it completely to finish the job. When he asked why I hadn’t bothered to do it I made a big mistake by saying I didn’t have the time or the tools to try it so I gave up. We went back into the lounge and he reminded me that the new contract would be ready soon and asked me how I felt being back at college. Despite my painful return I admitted I actually felt so much better now as if a huge weight of responsibility had been lifted off my shoulders. I was positive about my acting plans and he said that this was the attitude he wanted to see from me, not putting myself down but having belief in myself. We then spoke about the ventilator again and he asked me why I did not clean it, report it to my landlord or look up how to fix it online. After being pleased with my positive attitude a few seconds earlier he intended to be lenient with me but I came out with something I now regret: “Because I’m rubbish at stuff like that. I can’t do it so I gave up”. Now my punishment was upgraded to a heavier caning instead.

Caned

I was told to bend back over the stool and my skirt was raised. He told me that I would have got two strokes but because within minutes of being warned about protesting and putting myself down I did exactly what I was told not to, I opened my mouth and got myself into further trouble. Now it was to be six of the best. The first stroke came down hard across my tight skirt and I winced and started to cry again as my bottom was now aflame. He stopped, lifted my skirt and marched around the room saying he was very angry with me but would never thrash me in anger. He added that it wouldn’t stop him spanking me though and he held me around my waist, took down my knickers and delivered a torrent of hard spanks to my very sore cheeks. I was told to get back over the stool and take the rest of my caning and count every stroke, making sure I thanked him after each one. He composed himself and the cane bit into me five more times, equally placed so that I felt it in every sit spot. The caning finished with me crying once again uncontrollably over the stool and hugging the pillow beneath me with my arms for some comfort as I didn’t dare to rub my bottom.

I had a final bout of corner time and was told to join him again for a final discussion. He sat opposite me, I thought of sitting but chose to stand up, it really was that painful at the time but surprisingly I am perfectly fine now. I know some people say they can’t sit down afterwards and often its just an expression but in my case it was true. I was happy that it was over, or at least I thought so and that I would soon have some more structure in my life again and help with all of my ambitions. He told me that he would be visiting me next week again and I would have a reminder so that I had something to think about over my holiday. There would be no homework to do this week or until after my holiday, but I asked if he could help me with something I could work on when I was away. He kindly agreed to give me an assignment to do as I will have quite a bit of free time in my hotel room anyway and may get bored some days if my friends were working during the day.

Bedtime Spanking

Finally, he said that I was to get ready for bed, change into my pyjamas and wait for him in my bedroom for a final bedtime spanking that would be a usual part of my discipline. I was told to kneel on the bed with my hands on my head and he would come in when he was ready. I did as I was told and waited for a while, never knowing how long it would be and hoping it would all be over soon. He came in with a flat hairbrush and said I would be given six strokes. I had these and counted each stroke and then I was told it was a final fast twelve more, which left me once again in a sorry state. I eventually composed myself and asked him more happily if he would take a final picture of my sore bottom. This was not the first time I had spoken out of turn and he was really mad at me again saying “This is not a game!” and he grabbed my waist and spanked me soundly with his hand again until I cried and fell on the bed in tears. He added “Now I will take a picture!”. He is right, this is not a photo shoot, game or fantasy and the fact I do role-play sometimes gets me too used to that aspect that I forget myself sometimes. This was real punishment for real reasons, a big difference.

He arranged all the implements onto one side of my kingsize bed and told me to keep them there until the morning as a reminder. He gave me a hug, told me to be in bed and go to sleep now and left. It was over and I had a sore bottom.

I hope my Headmaster will be happy with my account and I equally hope that my blog readers will appreciate and recognise that it is a lifestyle for me and most of the other girls in the scene too, and that true submissiveness cuts deeper than just turning up for a camera and trying to entertain. I admit to giggling a bit in some shoots I’ve done, mainly because of the setting or atmosphere not feeling right or I haven’t had enough time to work on the script beforehand. But when it’s real and my head is right, reality bites for me, OMG it bytes I may not always share this level of detail with you and am valuing the benefit of private domestic discipline far more now. Monday was a big watershed and a reminder that I am not grown up or responsible enough mentally to behave and look after my well being so it is a relief that my Headmaster has re-enrolled me back at College. On this occasion I just want to be ultra “Unsecret” for the record and I hope I won’t have to put my bottom amongst the hype or conjecture again !!

I did some photos yesterday that were a bit more adventurous and had a bit of a pony-play session. I wasn’t sure if I’d enjoy it but I must admit it was great fun I had my hair cut a few hours beforehand and my friend took great delight in roughing it up, whilst I was protesting that I’d spent £56 on it, which means nothing in the heat of the action of course! We shot a fun video too but the quality and lighting weren’t great so here’s just a screen grab I managed to get.

I watched the US made movie of “A Midsummer Night’s Dream” yesterday and loved it so much. I wasn’t lucky enough to go to a posh school or college so never ever read or learnt anything about Shakespeare, or the bits fed to me as a pupil never got through because I didn’t try or enjoy school for various reasons. I rarely read so hadn’t ever read the books so this is new territory for me and I am listening to more audio tapes to practice Helena’s dramatic plea to Demetrius in Act 2 scene 1. My Director friend came over and we role played this scene (he is brilliant as an actor and an experienced drama teacher). Having to just say one or two lines in a different way makes all the difference, and he kept stopping and helping me when I didn’t beg or put enough pleading or passion into this emotional scene. He is very honest and tells me when I’m rubbish but when I get it right he praises me and it’s so good having 121 tuition so that I can get my confidence up and know I can offer something when I join a group. I am not going to let myself down on this and he said he will make sure I get to achieve my dream so I’m glad he thinks I can and hasn’t given up on me so far. He said we can do some ‘hot-seating’ and I can perhaps come along and watch his cast working on things so I hope I get the chance when I’m ready enough. I know I have so much to learn but OMG, this is my dream and I am going to do this. I think it will take me the rest of this year to work on my voice and I am having lessons soon, and I need to work on range, breathing and elocution. Next year though I hope I will be ready. I am off to Thailand two weeks today for my holiday and am going to take all of my acting material with me so that I can practice most days in my hotel room. I’ve ordered more Shakespeare movies from Amazon with Richard Burton, Liz Taylor, Al Pacino etc so I can’t wait to watch them and read the books and scripts alongside so that it sinks in more. I am starting with this and once I get some basic technique can then try other things.

One of the previous posts I made in this blog was “Return to Fantasy Island” which was about me getting back into role play and what I do as a spanking model. Having got back into things again I also changed the relationship I had with my Headmaster of two and a half years ago, into that of him returning on 30th January to help me by acting as my Mentor this time, as I felt I had grown up a lot since I last saw him and had left ’school’ and college type rules behind for good. In this relationship I had complete freedom to write my own rules, set my own lifestyle standards and manage my own self-discipline. I had been through an emotional time, I went off the rails a lot and needed some help. The only agreement we made was that he was to punish me when I did not meet my own written rules. He often reminded me “your job is self-discipline”, mine is punishment”, whenever I protested and tried to get out of punishment I had earned and agreed to in this situation. The rules I devised for myself were for my own benefit and for a while I began to improve, I felt better; fitter and healthier all round so there were less reasons for me to be punished. However, on 10th April (see blog post) I realised I was overdoing things again and instead of having this corrected, I suggested that my Mentor gave me leave and time off from managing myself to do everything I needed to do with my website and some scene activities. He kindly stepped aside and I had an amnesty to just do this, but of late I have to admit I did much more, and things went astray again. I am not sleeping or eating properly as I had started to do when I had guidance and have had too many late nights out. I have been restless, irritable and more cheeky to people because of how I have felt lately. I have been thoughtless, over-demanding and inconsiderate of others and I have interrupted their lives too just to get attention. I have also slipped back into spending far too much time online than I should and neglecting all the educational reading and study that I was once doing. Once again I seem to prefer to do the exciting things at the exact moment I want to do them, and leaving things I know I should do (like chores at home) until so late that I get tense and stressed when I have to do them. or I do them when I’m tired out and should really be in bed. I admit it all, I have been an attention-seeking immature brat again. I have been feeling sorry for myself and acting like a spoilt teenager just because I can’t have my own way or things aren’t exactly as I want them to be. This is a public apology that I need to say so that I can move on now.

The other day I wrote to my Mentor very frantically and erratically to tell him that I did not need his guidance anymore at all, and on the same day admitted in another email that I was feeling ill and stressed and needed more structure in my life again to help me! Knowing me as he does and caring for me as a student, he has taken charge of the situation again and I am to have a ‘Return to College’ meeting with him on Monday. This is my choice for my own benefit so that I can get over my behavioural problems again. It was good test for me to try and do it all on my own but I think I was too ambitious too soon in trying to do everything and take on too much. My Headmaster is now going to take control and it will be more formal, structured and very much more of a “The Girls Boarding School” type real life situation and regime that I was used to before and actually developing well with once. I am not going to second guess how I will be disciplined in the new regime, having once second-guessed what would happen in a meeting before and been spanked hard for it. In terms of never being able to second guess the spanking alone, I have very hard short sharp shock ones, timed ones, some that start off slow and go on for ages and end up getting faster and harder by the end, and ones that change tempo so much that I never know when they will ever end. This time I really don’t know what I will get and when with any sort of punishment and what the College rules are yet so will report back when I am told and handed a letter, aside from the fact there will be maintenance spankings and other domestic discipline punishment types as well as earned punishments. I won’t say any more than that now, and won’t apologise to anyone who thinks this is a role-play or some type of fantasy, it is not, it is just what I need and what helps me as a person and I am sure I will feel better soon that now I don’t have the responsibility I wasn’t ready for yet. I have been given permission to write about my new college life details in this blog in future and evidence of my discipline will also appear in various media for my own benefit of reflection and to share my progress with you. My general blogging and spanking modeling career goes on though. I hope I will move into other topics as I improve my education again, and having a real life stricter college domestic discipline regime will also help me as a spanking model too I hope. I will also of course continue with my own private social life, dating etc and friendships too as i’m free and single, but will just have to make sure I behave better so that I’m not grounded too much and don’t have the embarrassment of apologising if I have to cancel things!

I painted my bathroom recently and wrote about my haphazard day in another forum. I managed to get more paint on my carpet than the walls and spend ages on my hands and knees scrubbing it so that I wouldn’t have to explain. Thankfully this lovely man gave me some good advice online and I was able to rinse most of it off before it dried. It’s still patchy and looks like its been done by a bit of a sixth-former (which it was lol!!) as I ran out of paint and can’t be bothered to go over it again. I decided that DIY and me are as suitable for each other as The Pope and Amy Winehouse! I cried(literally) and rolled around in the roller tray, swore, threw the roller across the room making it worse and covered my hair in paint. I decided then truly, madly, deeply…NEVER, NEVER again! Next time I’m getting a man in :)! This picture was taken last weekend.

Staying with bathrooms but switching delicately over to spank-speak I admit what I’m sure a lot of other girls (and guys I imagine) do, that I do like to look in the mirror afterwards. I think the aftermath to a punishment, the reflection and most usually saying to myself “Never again” and wondering why the hell I’m so bad sometimes are all things that are part of my coming down process. Is it Erotic? Yes, many times it is, but that depends on the circumstances, situation (real or role-play) and of course who it’s with. I tend to find that its more erotic looking back on it and and when I have completely gotten over it because that’s when the reality (or semi-reality) sinks in and its like watching being played back on video in my mind again. I was having this conversation with someone I did a role-play with recently and although the physical bit wasn’t heavy, the mental took me over and, as I seem to do more and more lately, I became the character totally. I left the room and stood in the kitchen afterwards with my head in my hands and even when we were having coffee and a chat ten minutes later he kept asking me if I was OK because I was still coming out of the role. I imagine it to be like a medium is in a seance or something and I have no idea why I get affected like this sometimes, I just do and its part of who I am and how I handle this. I would be interested to know from other submissives how they come down afterwards.

It was also commented on that my pictures in my blog don’t always show marks and heavy activity, which I appreciate a lot of people want to see. I can assure you I have had lots of everything in terms of implements, levels, and marks that have lasted for days before, but as I have had lots of time out, this isn’t a professional website members area and I have had an amnesty from real punishment to give me time to do all I need to catch up on, I have to work around that. Also, the people I have role played with are not there to take pictures and it’s not staged like a shoot, so any that are often taken can be a short while afterwards. However, yes I am available for top site spanking scene work always (Lupus included if I get the chance), and want to do so much more but I have to be asked. It’s very competitive out there and I know there are some beautiful bottoms (and faces) out there that many people love to see more than mine so I’ll just have to wait for any chances and then take them of course I have no problems doing things I have done before on a professional basis and you will get to see the ‘evidence’ I’m sure. Aside from that I am still planning on doing a new videos series and will advertise for interested participants soon. In the meantime, watch this space as I may be in trouble anyway and you may see news about this soon.